I Was Sad for Her

I was at the grocery store yesterday morning picking up some donuts and chocolate milk as a special treat. I wanted to surprise my five children and my four nieces and nephews that were visiting us for the weekend. We don't get to see cousins very often. We don't live close to family on my side or my husband's side. It is always a treat when we get to have family visit.

While sitting at the checkout counter thinking about the kids' smiles when they saw the donuts, I overheard two of the store employees talking. The younger of the two was recently married and was telling the other lady that she and her new husband did not want to have children. My heart immediately hurt for this young woman. Literally, my heart ached.

Raising my children is the most challenging thing that I have ever done and will ever do in my life. I can't even begin to know what lies ahead of us in the next 15 to 20 years of their lives. However, I will never regret bringing these children into the world and into my life. Because of my children I know how to serve with complete love. I have more patience and compassion. It is a blessing that I can't always be thinking about myself. I must take care of the needs of the five people that depend on me.

It is a blessing to see my children succeed. It is amazing to watch them overcome challenges. They make me a better person, truly. I pray for them, I cry for and with them. I have been extremely frustrated with each one of them. There have been times I have hid in my room with the door locked and wondered how I could continue on. I always do, because I have to. They need me.

I am extremely aware that there are those people who are unable to have children themselves. The Lord has a plan for everyone. For those that can have children and choose not to, I am sad for you. You can't even comprehend what you are denying yourselves. I can not describe it to you fully.

In "The Family- A Proclamation to the World", it states,
"THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."

We live in a day and age where people are way too concerned about "self". Too much is centered on what "I deserve". If we took half of the time that people thought about themselves and dedicated to serving and loving others, including our children, what an amazing world this would be. 

The Lord Looks on the Heart

The day happened seven years ago.  I can still clearly picture myself sitting behind the steering wheel in my hot minivan in the parking lot of the church.  The air was stagnant inside, as it sometimes is, when a car sunbathes atop asphalt for a few hours.  My kids and I were waiting for my youngest brother, Jeff, to come out to the car after our Sunday meetings.  Jeff opened the front passenger side door and jumped up onto the seat. He immediately turned his face away from me. “What’s wrong?” was my instant response to the heaviness that seemed to surround him.

Jeffrey was seventeen years old at the time and always had drama of some kind surrounding him. After being teased and bullied at the schools where he was from, my parents decided it would be best if he moved and started fresh somewhere else. I happened to live across the country with my own little family and I was the most reasonable solution. While the arrangement seemed to be working out, there were certainly challenges.

My brother turned his head slightly toward me and mumbled something about being fine. In the brief moment that he was facing me I saw the tears in his eyes and the look of someone trying to hold it together. “You are obviously not fine.” I quickly responded, feeling a little exasperated. The big sister in me wanted to fix everything for him.

Jeff finally let the hurt burst from him as he explained the scene that had just taken place. One of his church leaders had pulled him aside to give him some “helpful tips”. He let Jeff know that if he would just walk in a more masculine way and talk in a more masculine way, people would not make fun of him or tease him.

To some that might not seem like such a big deal. For my baby brother, Jeffrey, it was a direct hit to his self-esteem. He had worked so hard to fit in to this new place. He just wanted to be accepted for who he was. He didn’t want to try to be who everyone else thought he should be. It was all physically exhausting. To hear those words from an adult, a person who he thought he could trust, was even more shattering. The very way he walked and talked told people that he was not “masculine”.

I couldn’t just sit there and let this happen. I handed my keys over to the crushed young man and told him to take the kids home, I had to talk to Jeff’s leader. He mildly protested out of embarrassment. I told him that I would take care of it and sent him on his way. I am sure he cringed as he watched me march into the building. What he couldn’t see was the desperate prayer I was sending up on his behalf and on mine.

As I walked into the church building I quickly scanned the area inside the doors. My good friend, Sherise, was visiting with a group of people nearby. Her son was friends with Jeff, and she knew him well. I approached her and quietly asked her if she could help me. My intention was not to corner the man that made the comments, but to have someone with me that would have a calming presence. I hurriedly explained the situation before seeking out Jeff’s leader.

It didn’t take me long to track him down. I was trembling a little and obviously upset. I am sure my request to meet with him was startling. We ducked into a side room and sat down. Sherise walked behind me and stood with her hands on my shoulders. I felt her strength and support instantly.

With slow tears coming down my face I explained to this man that my brother was hurting. I told him that Jeff had a history of being bullied and just wanted to be accepted. While his comments to my brother were intended to be helpful, they did not come from a place of love or understanding. This man did not fully comprehend my words at that moment, but I could see that he was considering them.  I went home and considered my words as well.  Many times I had made comments to my brother that I told myself were helpful, when in reality were not coming from a place of love or understanding.

A few months went by and Jeff’s leader apologized to him. He explained that he had not taken the time to get to know Jeff, but after watching him, could see what a good and caring young man he was. Jeff and I had already forgiven him, but I know Jeff appreciated his apology.

That Sunday afternoon a seed was planted in my heart. Being masculine does not mean that a man plays football and can lift heavy weights, just like being feminine does not mean that a woman wears red lipstick and high heels. Being described as masculine or feminine means that a person honors and respects the divine role of their gender. I needed to change those cultural definitions in my head so that I could more fully love my brother.  This lesson has stayed with me and I am grateful for it.  I have learned to look past the stereotypes of our culture and see that people are trying. The Lord loves us and does not look on the outward appearance, but looks on the heart.

Our Country and Religious Freedom

I love the 4th of July. I love celebrating with my family. My parents always taught me to be respectful and grateful for the blessing of living in this country. They also taught me that freedom really does not come without a price. There are people and families that have made large sacrifices so that we can have the freedom that we enjoy today.
The pilgrims came to this country because they were looking for religious freedom. They wanted to be able to worship the way that they chose.

As part of the doctrine of our church we are taught;
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

I was recently told about a friend's sister who currently lives in Saudi Arabia. Their home is bugged. They are not able to say the word "Jesus" in their home. They can not sing religious songs with their children at home. They are only allowed one set of scriptures. Their phones are checked regularly for apps that the government feels are not appropriate. Learning these things gave me an even greater appreciation for my religious freedom.

I am so very grateful that I can teach my children. I am thankful that we can have religious discussions, and that my kids are free to ask the questions that they have. I am grateful for uplifting music in my home. I am grateful for family prayer and scripture reading. I am grateful that I can turn to scripture when I am feeling sad, upset, or just needing inspiration.

There are those that feel that religious freedom should be done away with. This is a right that we should always defend and speak out for. My heart is full when I think of what my religious freedom has enabled me to become in my life.

Happy Birthday, America. May the Lord bless us all!

Protecting Children From Exposure to Pornography

As a mother of five children I am continuously watching out for those things that will help or hinder my children’s growth. I want to give them the best chance of succeeding in this life.  A powerful emerging obstacle to that success for all children is increasing access to pornography. Viewing pornography has been named a public health crisis and is affecting our children in large numbers.  Many petitions have been created to ask our government to give us the option of opting out of receiving pornographic sites through our internet service providers. These petitions never get enough signatures to pass. Our society needs to understand the impact pornography is having on this new generation and make the necessary changes to protect their future.

While there are those that argue pornography is a normal part of life, and even an expression of art, many doctors, scientists, and psychologists are speaking out and sharing what they know about this harmful addiction. In 2004, Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, M.S.M.D, shared with congress the following thought; “I respectfully submit to this committee that modern science allows us to see that this is an illusion: Pornography is mere “expression” only in the trivial sense that a fall from the Empire State building is a mere stumble—since it’s hitting the ground that’s fatal. Or, that cigarettes don’t cause cancer, it’s the burning smoke that’s the problem.”

Dr. Satinover goes on to describe how viewing pornographic images produces a chemical in the brain that acts like a drug more addicting and harmful than heroin.  There has been a staggering increase in the number of kids under the age of twelve viewing pornographic images. In 2015, the BBC News reported, “of 700 kids, one in five had seen pornographic images that had shocked and disturbed them.”  This increase has come with the advent of the internet. Children are learning about sex through powerful images while their brains are still growing. Long before a first kiss or a first dance, they have watched men and women act out in violent, degrading behaviors, all in the name of sexual intimacy. How are these children expected to grow up and have healthy relationships with the people around them? Numerous studies find they do not.

Kids grow up feeling like they can never have a normal girlfriend or boyfriend. Even their friendships at school are affected by their desire to be at home, by themselves, watching more pornography to feed their addiction.  We must protect our children from these experiences, at least until they are old enough to differentiate right from wrong.

In 2013, areas of Europe required customers to go to their internet service providers to “opt in” to pornographic content. While this solution did not completely fix the problem, it dramatically reduced the incidences of children involuntarily exposed to these images.

Additional ideas to stop the destructiveness of child exposure to pornography include requiring all pornography sites to register as .xxx domain. This requirement would allow .xxx sites to be more effectively filtered using existing technology.  

It has been argued that these types of filters would allow parents to become lazy in their responsibility of preventing children from viewing sexual images. Statistics show that one out of five 12 year-olds have been exposed to pornographic videos and images, revealing parents are already remiss in safeguarding their children. (BBC News)

It is time to rally together and make a choice to protect our future generations. We must take greater responsibility for creating an environment in which our children may forge more meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others. Now is the time to make the necessary changes. Ten year-old children should not be acting out their sexual fantasies. Sexual violence and assaults should not be part of a young person’s daily viewing. We must make the choice to free them from this destructive addiction by requiring Internet Service Providers to give households an opt-in/ opt-out choice for pornography access. Those who hide behind declarations of freedom of speech are thinking only of themselves. We are fighting for a future generation’s freedom from an addiction that, as other addictions, destroys a child’s freedom to live a normal life. 

Questioning

I have been taught that in the life before this one we were presented with a plan which would allow us to progress. We were given the option to follow the plan or to reject it. This was a big decision for us to make. The consequences of our choice would be eternal. I believe that the Lord allowed us to ask questions and gave us some time to think it all through.  The Lord wanted us to understand and be confident in the choice that we were making. That pattern continues on the earth today. We are encouraged to ask questions and seek the answers with faith.

Gordon B Hinkley said; “As a Church, we encourage gospel scholarship and the search to understand all truth. Fundamental to our theology is belief in individual freedom of inquiry, thought, and expression. Constructive discussion is a privilege of every Latter-day Saint.”  In the Book of Mormon, Moroni promises us that if we study, ponder, and ask the Lord if the Book of Mormon is true, we will receive an answer.  Before we ask we must have a question.  Elder Russell shared this thought with a group of youth; “You will hear allegations that the Church is ‘anti-intellectual.’ … You are the greatest evidence to refute such an erroneous statement. Individually, you have been encouraged to learn and to seek knowledge from any dependable source.”  If this is true, then why do some people feel as if their questions lead to excommunication?

In an Ensign article published in March of 2015, Adam Kotter explained the difference between doubting and questioning.  “Sincere questions are those asked with “real intent” (Moroni 10:4) to better understand and more fully obey the will of the Lord. A sincere questioner continues to be obedient while searching for answers. By contrast, I have seen that when people doubt their beliefs, they often suspend their commitment to commandments and covenants while waiting for answers. The doubter’s posture is generally to withhold obedience or limit it, pending resolution of the doubts.” If this is the case, the person who is doubting is actually separating themselves from the Spirit as they are seeking for answers. Without the Spirit there to testify and protect them, it seems a person would inevitably move further away from the gospel. Satan will find every opportunity to separate us from what is right and true.  Questioning and seeking answers is encouraged; doubting and turning away from the Lord is discouraged. How should we handle doubts and questions in our own lives?

We need to remember that having questions is normal and right. We are encouraged to seek out answers to our questions and turn to the Lord. When the prophet or apostles speak we have been asked to pray to know for ourselves if what has been said is true. We should always be studying, pondering, and praying. If we find ourselves having doubts we need to hold tight to the covenants that we have made as we try to work through those doubts. Search to find what the questions are behind the doubts, and sincerely pray to find answers. If we follow this counsel, as Moroni said, “…by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.”

Our Responsibility

Quoted from "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"

"HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

There is so much in that paragraph I could discuss. There are so many extremely important responsibilities that are not being taken seriously. The first thing mentioned is that, "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children."
The world today does not feel that it is our responsibility to love our spouse, many people feel it is something that should be earned. I made promises to my husband when I married him that I would love him. It is my responsibility to keep my promises. 
I am aware that there are situations that require divorce; abuse of any kind, pornography addictions that can not be overcome, extensive cheating... However, the "no fault" divorce is something that is becoming far too common. What does this do to children who no longer have that stability? 
I am grateful that I am married to someone who is willing to work as hard as I am to stay married. I know that we have both been upset with each other over various things in our marriage. I also know that we both work hard to love and forgive. I am grateful for parents that taught me marriage is a lot of work, but it is also worth the work. 
My husband and I also stress to our children how important it is that he and I spend time together alone. We make sure that we go on dates and have conversations about life. It is in those moments that we remember how much we LIKE each other. 
It is our responsibility to provide a loving home for our children. That includes loving our spouse.

The Lord Will Provide a Way

One morning while struggling to get my then three year old daughter ready for church, she looked up at me and stated, “Mom, I don’t want to go and do the things the Lord commands!”  At that moment I could completely relate to my daughter.  There have been times since, that those words, spoken with exasperation, have entered my own thoughts.  Sometimes the things that are asked of us seem hard, or too much.  It is during those times I have to turn to one of the things I truly believe.  I believe the Lord will provide a way for us to accomplish the things that He has asked us to do.

From the time I was young, I learned this concept through song lyrics and scriptures.  “I know the Lord provides a way, He wants me to obey!”  It was not until I was older that I was given opportunities to really test this concept out.  When my husband and I were asked if my youngest brother could come and live with us, we did not know if we were up to the task.  He was frequently bullied and my parents felt like he needed a fresh start somewhere.  We were worried about being able to handle his emotional needs while also raising our own young family.  My brother’s heart was still raw from mistreatment; His sense of self- worth was diminished to nothing.  Through much prayer we realized that the Lord wanted us to take my brother in.

It has been nearly six years since my brother graduated from high school and moved back home. He spent a year and a half living with us.  That time was a blessing to both our family and to him.  My husband and I learned so much from the experience.  The Lord provided us with the abilities and extra love that were needed to care for him.  Our hearts grew as we saw situations and understood more fully what he was going through.  We were able to give our own three children the continued love and support that they needed from us.  My brother’s testimony grew as he was able to share his gospel knowledge with those around him.  He had never lived in an area that was not saturated with people of his faith.  His confidence grew as people were drawn to him and the light that he had.  The Lord provided a way for all of us.

At this time in my life, I am staring again at an experience that seems outside of my abilities.  I can 
feel the internal struggle as my mind yells out, “I don’t want to go and do the things that the Lord 
commands.  I don’t know if I can.”  Then my soul speaks soothingly to me and reminds me of the 
things that I believe, the things that I know; “The Lord will provide a way”.  The blessings will 
certainly come as I need them and I will be shown the way.